OK, so we’ve clarified that 11am on Monday exists. But you’re wrong. It doesn’t just exist. It thrives. It’s a caffeinated donkey kick of a time. It’s the golden hour.
It really isn’t. You don’t tell someone that they have “a bad case of the Mondays” if they look like they are accomplishing a lot. But you should. At 11am on Mondays, the workers of the world are hitting peak productivity.
This sounds like nonsense. It isn’t. It’s the result of a two-year study that analysed hundreds of thousands of employees using cutting-edge workflow management and data-focused tools. It’s insight on a level we’ve never seen before.
Oh great. So we’re all just drones now, are we, to be pulled apart like bees in a test tube? The research also shows that the average worker accomplishes more in October than in any other month. Working on a Monday morning in October? You’re killing it, bro!
Thankless toil has taken my life. It has taken my health. I missed watching my children grow into adults, and all to become an abstract data point on a chart. But uh-oh! Be warned that employee productivity takes a nosedive at midday, and peters out towards the end of the day. You won’t hit optimal motivation again until the following day.
What would you recommend to counter this? Mandatory shots of antibiotics? Electrified cattle pens? Actually, studies show that decreased productivity in the afternoons can sometimes be a good thing.
Really? Sure! As tiredness creeps in towards the end of the day, your mind becomes more susceptible to new ideas. You know what that means! It’s the perfect time for a collaborative one-on-one interface!
Oh great. Meetings. Don’t you see? This data will help us analyse the behaviour of our taskforces like never before. By assigning engagements based on collective behaviours, we’ll utilise our salary commitments more efficiently than ever!
So we’ll never get to properly rest? Yes! Isn’t it great?
Are you a robot? Close! I’m a workflow management visualiser!
I hate you. Don’t worry! I get that a lot!
Do say: “Can’t talk right now. It’s 11am on Monday morning and I’m too productive for chit-chat.”
Don’t say: “Call me back at 11.01am, when I’ll have lost the will to live again.”